Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
What
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow