ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?