The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.