lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.