11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
For the orator and chef in all of us
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower