11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
You Might Also Like
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
found my next D&D character name
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?