11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.