Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion