Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Jail
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.