Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.