Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I cannot call her anything else now
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.