At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Found my door mat
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’