It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
SPLOOT
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.