Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book