This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Sing it!
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I feel it
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body