Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Worth a try
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes