[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You Might Also Like
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
this is how life feels
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage