Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)