Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Anyone want a chair?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them