You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.