I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw