Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!