i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
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Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”