7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…