Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
he chose this
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
British websites use biscuits.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]