@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what interests you about this job? Me: the pay Interviewer: can you be more specific? Me: cash

@LoveNLunchmeat: Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you're not even sure what you just said.

@Tadicles: When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music" , but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the Hardware Store"

@withanewname: "Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge ... and green!" [the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner's parents faced]

@chelliet22: Two days ago: omg, I'm so glad I found my watch, I'll never misplace it again! Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*