I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
❤️❤️❤️
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.