Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Iâve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and theyâre so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
âWhat if we put wheels on this toilet?â
*inventor of the RV
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i donât like it here
My kidâs school asked them to get a family relic for school âshow and tellâ. He asked whatâs a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
i named my son âmaxâ after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? itâs been hard enough already with his sister quibi
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
#KarenAndTheCat đ
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
me: Iâd like to work from home
hr: request deniâ
m: but itâs government advice
hr: itâs simply impossâ
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but youâre a train driver?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, shouldâve seen that coming
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
âInvolve your toddler in cooking!â âŚso dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still wonât eat anything.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I love how thereâs just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.