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Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.