I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.