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@oscarewilde: [therapists office] my wife: i have a fear of giants me: she has f- marriage counsellor: me: my wife: don't you dare say it me: Feefiphobia
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
@ComedicBust: ME: Idk why, but I always chop the counter with my credit card like I’m cutting cocaine whenever I’m buying something. GF’S FATHER: How did you meet my daughter?