I cannot call her anything else now
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.