All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL