I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
You Might Also Like
grotesque if literal: baby food
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
🤣dope
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back