Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.