A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My purse is deeper than some people.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.