Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Bringing home a sharpie
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
For the orator and chef in all of us