#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
#Caturday
*puts my mental health in rice
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”