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@shawnspree: Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
@DeanOkay: Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no