When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My wife gives the best headache.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.