Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
gm
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.