nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m having an out of money experience.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild