If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
this has to be peak English
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec