Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
one of
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.