One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!