Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.