Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond