Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Sell your car
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”