[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
You Might Also Like
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Terribly Tuesday.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??