Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.