11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Squirrels before girls.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
😏😏😏
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.