11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Meow
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.