11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.